


The Scars We Collect

by princeunderthemountain



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Depression, Domestic, Dwarves in the Shire, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, M/M, Oh god the feels, The Shire, everyone survived!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-28
Updated: 2014-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-10 07:55:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1157054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princeunderthemountain/pseuds/princeunderthemountain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At war. Throne usurped. Might be coming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Arrival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out a very long time ago nothing like what it is here. It was this weird inceptiony it's-actually-a-horrible-dream fic. That went nowhere, so it got sent to the writing archives. I picked it up a few weeks ago, dusted it off, and wrote down those first seven words. They set up the entire story, and you have the fic in front of you - written within the span of a few hours very late at night while listening to "Ruby" by Foster The People on repeat (that's recommended listening for this fic, btw).
> 
> There is going to be small amounts of Khuzdul in this fic. None in this chapter, but there will be dictionaries at the end of each chapter.

At war. Throne usurped. Might be coming.

 

The seven word letter that Bilbo had received stared up at him from the kitchen table. It had been hastily scribbled in red ink, signed with what barely looked like Thorin's title. The bird, an enormous raven with silver streaked through its feathers, that had delivered it was skinny and had patches of feathers missing.

Rough times had fallen on Erebor since it’s reclamation three years prior.

He wasn't sure what to make of the letter. It was the first communication he had received from Thorin in a while. They used to come frequently, on white card with gold edges, pre-signed in silver ink. He had all of them in a stack in the corner of his letter basket, by the comfy red armchair in the retiring room.

This did not seem like a letter for the seat, to be read at leisure. It was to be read hastily, and disposed of as if it were infected. Never to be repeated again. It felt treacherous, as if the agony that had cursed Thorin could be passed on through it.

Bilbo cried for a long while. It was the "might" that got to him. Thorin was stubborn to the point of ridicule. The very fact that he was unsure of his ability to maintain order meant a lot.

They showed up three months after Bilbo burned that letter.

It was late night, at least three in the morning, when he heard a voice singing in Khuzdul. The sound was thin through the summer air, but undeniable.

He left his bed, staggered through the house and went out to the front yard. At the end of the road, he could see an oil lamp, carried by a person barely illuminated.

The one to come up the road was Dis, leading a string of Ponies. Bilbo had met her only once before, for a few moments. She had been in the healing tent, seeing to Thorin’s many wounds after the battle of Five Armies. They had spoken a few words, mostly about Thorin’s miraculous state, and then she left.

 "Bilbo Baggins? Is that you?" She asked in a voice like Thorin's, but slightly higher in pitch. Her beard and long silvered hair were caked with dirt, and her once fine clothes were covered in black blood. Her voice had very little patience in it.

 "Dis. Yes, yes...oh, what happened?" He asked.

 "Those bastard Fundins!" She exclaimed, and then a string of Khuzdul swears flew out of her mouth. Thorin had been sort of teaching Bilbo the language through his letters (just words and phrases here and there for eases sake, rather than formal lessons), and Bilbo recognised the hideous swears she was yelling. 

 "Dis, it's late. Don't wake the other townsfolk." Bilbo requested. They hugged, and traded formalities.

 "Who's with you? Is Thorin-"

 "Soon enough. The boys are with us too. There were some more we wished to have brought, but...alas. It was not in good sensibility. I hope you have rooms available?" She asked, desperation creeping in to her voice along side the fatigue.

 "Oh, of course! You can stay in the guest room, Kili and Fili...they'll sleep wherever they fall, Thorin can stay in my-" Bilbo cut off. He'd said too much.

Dis gave him a sideways glance, and then looked down and laughed. 

 "Go ahead. My brother is grown man, he can do what he wants." She says. She coos to one of the Pony's, and then leads them up to the big tree on top of The Hill and ties them to the oak trunk.

 "They've done their share of work today. Minty is getting old. She can't take it much longer anymore."

 "She has seen a lot. I would be tired too." Bilbo said, ending with a wide yawn. 

 "It's late. Mind if I go in? I will not muck up the furniture, strictest of promises. The boys told me of what happened the last time." She said, yawning herself.

 "Of course. Fireplace is first door on the left, if you want to warm up. Food in the pantry across from the dining room, which is down the hall from the kitchen.” He said, and grimaced slightly. He'd have to go out to market first thing tomorrow.

 "Mahal Bless." She whispered, walking away. The lure of food and warmth was her priority now, and Bilbo could not blame her.

 "Bilbo!" He heard a voice call out a few minutes after Dis had gone in. He'd nodded off on the front bench.

 "K-Kili! Ah, Fili!" He exclaimed, flinching when he opened his eyes and the two boys were standing right in front of him.

 "It's been a while! How's everything?" Kili asked. He had deep purple bags under his eyes, as did his brother. They were smiling, but both looked like they were going to collapse on the spot.

 "Boys, you are tired. Your faces betray you. I will wait for your uncle, but you two need to sleep. Make yourself at home, I implore you." Bilbo asked, waving them inside. They wouldn't muck up the furniture. Dis would make sure of that, if she hadn't already fallen asleep.

Bilbo leaned back again. This was on odd night. Maybe he was dreaming all of this.

He jerked awake again. He was still outside, it was still night. He heard his front gate creaking closed.

And there, in the light of a dim lamp, he saw Thorin.

 “Bilbo…How long I have waited to see you."

 "Dis and the boys...inside...you and me...my bed...I'm...so...tired." Bilbo said, standing and swaying with fatigue. He couldn’t even see Thorin, as much as he could not open his eyes.

 "Yes. Quite right, I think. Do you-"

Bilbo did not hear the rest of the sentence. He had already passed out.


	2. The Fallout

Bilbo woke, as he did every morning, to a pleasant stream of sunlight coming through the window and illuminating the bed. This morning, however, he remembered that he was not alone.

The shape was large and snoring quietly. The tangle of dirty black hair streaked through with silver glinted in the light like iron.

Bilbo just watched him for a long while. He slept on one side, knees curled in slightly and arms in front of him, loosely hugging a stray pillow. His deep navy night shirt had wrinkles pressed in to it, and his breathing was considerably slow. Sometimes his face twitched from the passive glaze of slumber to something more of terror, or contentment. Bilbo noticed that on those faces of contentment, he held the pillow closer to himself.

 "How long have you been watching me?" Thorin growled, barely moving his lips. His eyes were still closed, so for all Bilbo knew, he was hazarding a guess.

 "A good long while. You look nicer when you sleep. Less intense, I mean."

 "Are Dis and the boys okay?" He asked, changing the subject as he opened his eyes to the bright ray of light.

 "Dis was covered in dirt, and the boys looked incredibly tired. They will have cleaned up and slept...I hope the plumbing has survived." He says, and then chuckles, remembering that night only three summers ago. Eru, how time flies.

There was a long silence after he stopped laughing. No words felt worthy to fill the gap.

 "I'm never going to be able to go back there, Bilbo." Thorin stated, and Bilbo knew he was honest.

 "I know...I know." Bilbo confessed, not trying to pretend. It was time to be grown up about the situation, after so long biting his fingernails and looking out the window too much.

Thorin moved his body up slightly, so his face was level with Bilbo's. He slowly collided his forehead with Bilbo’s shoulder.

Bilbo reached his arms around Thorin when he began to shake, or tried at least since his wide frame prevented Bilbo's hands from meeting at the back. Thorin cried in to the crook of his neck. Bilbo let it happen, for he could not think of any other appropriate measures at this moment. Sometimes a good cry was necessary.

 "I...I shouldn’t...no..." Thorin began, but Bilbo stopped him.

 "Thorin, just cry. Let it out." Bilbo whispered, slowly running his fingers through Thorin's hair, trying to console him.

A few minutes later, when the waterworks had turned to a sticky throat and puffy red eyes, they shifted back down, both staring at the ceiling. The pattern of the stained window thrown across it in red and blue.

 "It was the Fundins." Thorin whispered.

 "I know. Dis told me." Bilbo replied. 

 "We thought they were loyal. They always had been. You...you know how they say you can tell how a hobbit will answer a question, simply because they never change? Dwarves are like that with people. Family relations and family rivalries last generations. This...this was not of the dwarves. The bastard Fundins besmirch the name of Mahal's children!" He whispered angrily, his fists strangling an invisible throat. 

 "Please tell me what happened." Bilbo asked, trying to calm Thorin.

 "The...the Miners Union wanted raises. We couldn't. We simply couldn't...there was construction that needed to happen! After Smaug, a lot of the mines had fallen apart, and we needed to repair it all if we even had a hope of returning to the way things were."

 "But the minerals..." Bilbo guessed where the story was headed.

 "Yes. We started loosing income because we weren't exporting minerals, which we couldn't mine because the miners were on strike, because we needed to rebuild the city so we could get more minerals!” Thorin lamented.

 "What happened then?" Bilbo asked.

 "We had no choice. We had to let the miners work, and they wouldn't work without a raise. We hoped we could contain the parts of the mine that were too dangerous, and let them work in the safer ones...but we were stupid to believe there was such a thing. The collapse killed thousands. Everyone blamed the royal family for steering them wrong. Whispers began. War started. We lost, the Fundins took over.”

 "You did what you thought was best for the people, and you couldn't have predicted a mine collapse-”

 “It was the Fundins who suggested it in the first place, you know!? And then they wouldn't even take responsibility for it!” Thorin interjected.

 "What about the Iron Hills? Could they have-“ Bilbo began.

 "They bloody well though I had it coming for me. They still think Dain's death is my fault. I...you were the only one I knew still cared about me." He whispered.

There was more silence after that. Eventually, Bilbo's stomach growled.

 "You need food." Thorin whispered.

 "Yes, I do. Can you come out and eat with me?" Bilbo asked.

Thorin didn't reply. He jus threw aside the sheets and slowly, and with much effort, moved to a standing position.

He was tired. Not in an immediate sense that required sleep, but in a deeper, broader sense. He needed peace. He needed to be able to forget everything for a while and focus on the arbitrary, just to give his mind some peace. Bilbo knew he could provide that. This was The Shire. Arbitrary was the common lifestyle.

Thorin stood, throwing his weight in to the movement. Bilbo enjoyed the sight of his bare legs - crossed with pale scars - and part of his backside, as his nightshirt was really only a shirt, rather than a long tunic as Bilbo had slept in. He pulled on the trousers that he had left at the foot of the bed that night, and looked over his shoulder to Bilbo.

 "Does the hobbit plan on getting out of bed for the meal he requested?" Thorin asked, half smiling.

Bilbo rolled his eyes and got out of bed. He fetched his red patchwork robe and tied it around himself.

Thorin walked around to where Bilbo stood, and took him in his arms. The hug was long and sweet.

 "I have missed you so much, _idùzhib_.” Thorin whispered. 

Diamond - Bilbo wasn't quite sure of when Thorin had started calling him that. It had been after Thorin slowly confessed how he felt after the victory of the battle of five armies, but before Bilbo started getting the gilt letters, which had bore that greeting from the very first one. It would have been right when Erebor was first being populated again, when the letters were few and far between. Scraps of paper talking about lumber requests and trade deals with Laketown. When Thorin's duties were literally all he could afford to think about. 

 "I've missed you too."

Bilbo opened the bedroom door and ventured out, hoping not to find the house in a state of disrepair.

The sitting room was the most disturbed room, but was relatively in order. Weapons had been cast down on the floor, but in neat bundles. Coats and shoes had been left by the door and folded. Kili and Fili slept on a pile of sheets and pillow in front of the fire, like two enormous cats.

 "Dis handles them well. Honestly, they're not as destructive as they were on the Quest. They just need their mum." Thorin whispered.

 “Kili, is that-“ Dis called out, coming in from the kitchen. She stopped when she saw the two men standing in front of her.

 “I have tea, and bread.” She stated, more quietly. Thorin nodded, walking in to the kitchen.

The table had been cleared of the usual trays and cooking implements that covered it - Bilbo usually just ate in front of the fire these days. Five big mugs had been set out, only one filled. The kettle was sitting on a dark wooden block and a loaf of the nut and fruit bread that Bilbo made every thursday sat, already partially hacked away at.

 “ _Âkminrûk zu_.” Thorin and Bilbo whispered at the same time.

Dis gave them both sideways glances while she poured their tea. She was as intuitive as Thorin was stubborn. She would have realised about the lessons as the first syllable tumbled out of Bilbo’s mouth.

 “So…nice place you have. It’s very pleasant…for a hobbit.” Dis stated after taking a long sip.

 “Dis…” Thorin let out a low warning.

 “What?”

 “Just don’t.”

 “Don’t what?” Dis asked, a grating tone in her voice.

 “Don’t be all you about this. “

Bilbo sat back, knowing that there was going to be no pleasant end to this.

 “What exactly is “me”?” She asked, putting down her mug harder than Bilbo was comfortable with.

 “You know exactly what! Acting like nothing is good enough for you unless Mahal his-bloody-self has rubbed his _bakhuz_ all over it!”

 “ _Jemut men_?” Kili asked, quite genially. His presence shocked Thorin and Dis, who both jumped. He poured himself a cup of tea and say down next to Dis. His presence would diffuse her. He knew that. He was getting older, and knew more of how to work with and around people. Bilbo was sad to admit it, but he would have shaped up to be a good politician.

 “Tea? Bread? Have as much as you want.” Bilbo said, waving his hand towards the food. It was summer, and the blueberries that the tea was made from were plentiful. He needed to go out to the market today anyway.

 “How is everyone?” Kili asked, smiling.

 “ _Gasatafra._ ” Dis growled, and then mumbled about the ponies. She put down her mug and stomped out through the doorway, passing Fili as he walked in. He stood there for a moment, watching as she went out through the front door.

 “Mum’s pissed.” He said, turning back to the other three. He said it not like a warning, but like an observation of the weather.

 “Yep.” Kili replied, taking a long drink of tea.

 “She’ll…well, I want to say she’ll be better once she’s settled in, but I don’t really know.” Fili said, taking a mug.

There was a long silence when they all just drank tea. Bilbo looked at the boys, and noticed they had barely changed. He did the math and realised it had only really been a few months in terms of a dwarfish lifespan. Why was he expecting them to have changed?

 “We’re all a bit uprooted at the moment.” Thorin stated solemnly, breaking the silence.

 “You think?” Kili whispered, and snerked.

Thorin turned to Bilbo.

 “She’s been like this ever since we left. Her home has been taken away from her once already. To her, this is having salt rubbed in to old wounds.” He said.

 “Speaking of salt rubbed in to flesh, I’m starving!” Kili said. In khuzdul, Fili told him to shut up and eat his goddamn bread.

 “I’m going out to the market today. Do you want to come with me?” Bilbo asked, trying to keep the situation diplomatic.

 “Uh…I’d love to, but I don’t know about the other people in town.” Kili replied.

 “They’ll be fin-…uh, maybe we’ll just ignore them.” Bilbo corrected himself, standing up and washing out his mug. Thorin followed him to help.

 “I would much enjoy going to the market with you.” He whispered in his ear. His breath tickled Bilbo’s nape and made him laugh.

 “Go get ready. Wash up. I’m not having any of you make bad impressions on the neighbours. God knows they already think badly of me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idùzhib - diamond
> 
> Âkminrûk zu - thank you (casual)
> 
> bakhuz - hammer (euphemism for penis)
> 
> Jemut men - excuse me
> 
> Gasatafra - I'm fine


	3. The Resurgence

It went over better than Bilbo had hoped.

_When was the last time a Dwarf had been through these parts?_ Bilbo asked himself as they walked in to the bustling market. He didn’t really feel like that night before the Quest started counted - no one had seen the dwarves. The last time a dwarf had been walking around and making conversation…this might have been a first, really.

There were stares. By Eru, there were stares. Thorin stayed at Bilbo’s side, Kili and Fili further back. Dis had retired to the tree above Bag End, sitting in the shade and speaking to the ponies.

 “Heads up, shoulders back. Remember; they’re more afraid of you than you are of them.” Bilbo said before marching in to the fray, huge wicker basket and purse in hand.

He’d made sure that Kili and Fili especially were clean and well dressed. They had nothing brightly coloured that fit in with the usual Hobbit fare - they were both in black trousers and big but clean boots. Kili wore a green tunic trimmed with gold, Fili a tunic in deep red trimmed with silver. It was Thorin, surprisingly, who was the biggest challenge. He had wanted to wear his big fur coat and take his axe, for whatever reason, but Bilbo forbade it. All weapons would remain in the chest by the coatrack as long as there was no immediate danger in Bag End. Eventually, Thorin was persuaded to leave the house in a dashing midnight blue tunic and dark brown trousers.

He looked so odd like this, stripped of all of the layers of armour and fur. Trousers, boots, and a tunic. Normal clothes. A casual Thorin Oakenshield was rare.

 “Boys, a crown each. Buy yourselves something nice.” Bilbo said, dropping the big silver coins in to their hands. They went off by themselves all smiles while Thorin and Bilbo did the shopping.

It was Saturday at the market as it ever was. A big circle of stalls at the junction of Hobbiton Road and Cargo Street. Brightly coloured stalls like parasols provided shade for all manners of food, livestock, and goods. It was crowded, and Thorin stuck a head above everyone else in the crowd.

Melonina Hollybrook, who looked over a barley field in Northfarthing, was by far the friendliest. She engaged in polite conversation with Thorin, but when she asked what brought him to The Shire, he immediately cut off the conversation. Bilbo gave her a nice tip after that when he bought a few blocks of yeast from her.

Holorious Groster was the worst. As soon as Bilbo came up, asking about the new crop of tomatos, he asked “Who’s that dirty one with you? Wouldn’t touch that with a twenty foot pole.”

Bilbo, in a curt tone, said “ _Gelek menu caragu rukhs_.” Thorin chuckled, and they both walked away, leaving a confused Holorious in their wake. There would be no tomato sauce for the next while, but they would survive.

 “Do you suppose they know who I am? Who I really am?” Thorin asked as they went over bunches of spinach, picking out the best ones.

 “I don’t know. If they do - no that one has spots - they probably would only stare more. I guess, while you're here…we might as well not say anything. It’s not like I’m someone who doesn’t do - that one at the back - unexpected things every now and then.”

 “Well that begs the question, how long am I here for?” Thorin asked, taking the basket now laden with food for the next few days. Bilbo payed and they went off to look for the boys.

 “Thorin, I’m not going to act like I haven’t thought about you living here with me-“

 “Well why not?” Thorin interrupted.

 “The boys, and Dis. They are your family, and you should think about them first.”

 “You’re my family as well, Bilbo. I don’t use the term _idùzhib_ lightly.” Thorin retorted.

 “Okay, so what if you did live here? What about them? Fili and Kili are not made for a life here. As much as you deny it, one day they will be grown men, and…I don’t want them to get stuck here. Their hearts lie best under mountains. And Dis - do you honestly believe she will settle down here? She’s worse than you when it comes to pride.”

Thorin was silent. They walked together, down along where Hobbiton Road turned in to Bagshot Row. Bilbo could see Bag End from here, as far off as it still was.

 “Where are the boys?” Bilbo asked, his stomach growling. He needed to get home and eat something. Cheese on toast - no, cheese on toast with bacon. Lots of pepper. Maybe some chicken as well. Have some of that spinach on the side with vinaigrette-

 “UNCLE BILBO!”

Kili screamed out from behind bilbo, making him jump, as well as Thorin. There was a great deal of squawking and flapping of wings coming from between Kili’s hands. Fili was standing beside him. He mouthed “ _I tried to stop him.”_

 “Oh my-“ Bilbo began.

 “I BOUGHT A CHICKEN!” Kili exclaimed.

 “I-I can see that!” Bilbo answered. Thorin was trying very hard not to laugh.

 “I gave you a crown! How did you pay for that?”

 “Pretty girl at the stall!” He said, and then wrestled the chicken down under his arm, stopping it from flapping.

 “Girl at the stall give it to me for a half-crown.” He said, handing the remaining money back to Bilbo. He walked past Bilbo, going up towards Bag End.

 “Well…we have a chicken now, I guess.” Thorin chuckled.

 “I bought flowers for the front room.” Fili said to Bilbo, holding up a bunch of purple and red lupins.

 “Thank you, Fili.” Bilbo said, taking them and placing them in the basket. He was still watching Kili, walking up ahead and wrestling with the chicken.

 “That boy…” He muttered.

 “Fili, remember that time when he was twenty, with the bobcat…“ Thorin began.

 “Oh blessed Aule, don’t even remind me.” Fili said shortly, jogging off to go catch up with Kili, who was loosing his wrestling match.

 “You think they’re growing up, and then they do things like that that sends them right back to square one.”

 “Story of my life.” Thorin replied.

Bilbo and Thorin watched them for a while. After a long silence, Bilbo spoke.

 “What about a bobcat?”

 “It’s a long story.” Thorin chuckled, shaking his head.

 “It’s a long walk.” Bilbo shrugged.

 “Okay…well, when Kili was twenty, and we were living in the Blue Mountains, there was a snowstorm, and he kept saying he wanted to go play in the snow…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idùzhib - diamond
> 
> Gelek menu caragu rukhs - You smell like orc dung


	4. The Consideration

 “Now, you have to remember that earth dries out if you play around with it too much. That can be bad for the worms, because they provide a whole ecosystem that lets the plants thrive.”

Kili and Fili were watching, rapt, as Bilbo showed them how to plant new herb bushes and tend to the old ones. Bilbo decided that if they were going to be here, they might as well learn how to help around the house. After their lunch of two loaves worth of cheese on toast, everyone had congregated in the garden outside the kitchen. The Gamgee boy was off for the summer visiting family, so Bilbo guessed they might as well start with gardening.

The kitchen garden was small, three rows of low herb bushes between gravel paths, and a small wooden bench painted bright red situated under the kitchen window. That was where Thorin and Dis sat, smoking with their ostentatious pipes. Dis had a skill for smoke rings, and would send them up, sailing above Bilbo’s head.

 “This pipe weed you have here - not nearly as rich as our usual fare that dwarves smoke - but it’s not bad. Could be better, but it’s not bad.” Dis admitted after three bowls. Bilbo took it gladly as progress.

 “Be careful with the basil, because it bruises quite easily.”

 “What about the thyme, uncle Bilbo?” Kili asked.

 “Thyme is hardy, but flakes easily. Handle it by the stems.” Bilbo replied. He pruned off some stalks of it and laid them in a bundle on the plate beside him, which was already piled with other herbs.

 “Okay, take this and go tie it up with the twine in the kitchen. Hang it in the rafters above the icebox. Then please check on dinner.” He said, and the boys went off to do the chores. Dis wandered away, going off to check on the ponies.

Bilbo sighed deeply, taking off his gardening gloves and brushing the flora off his trousers. He sat on the bench next to Thorin, slumping up against him.

 “You’re uncle Bilbo now.” Thorin mused after letting out a cloud of smoke.

 “I noticed. When did that start, you think?”

 “Knowing Kili? Probably as soon as we started off for Erebor.” Thorin replied, and they both laughed.

Bilbo moved, laying his head down on Thorin’s lap. From this angle, he could see the pipe smoke floating around, and the violet sky far above. Long evenings were Bilbo’s favourite part of summer, when the stars and galaxies would show themselves long before it really got dark.

 “I love this.” Bilbo whispered.

 “What’s this?” Thorin asked.

 “You…me…summer in the Shire.” Bilbo answered, playing absentmindedly with a thread on his waistcoat.

 “I can’t lie, it has been a nice day.” Thorin replied.

 “I’m just scared it’s going to get taken away from me.” Bilbo said remorsefully.

 “I’m not leaving. Not for a while. If for no other sake than figuring out…just…what happens next.”

There was a long silence. Somewhere far away, someone starting playing a flute. A slow, sweet song.

 “What do you think happens next?” Bilbo asked, unsure of whether or not he wanted the answer.

 “I don’t know if I can still call Erebor my home. It is one thing to have a home stolen, but quite another to be turned away from it.” He said, his voice falling.

 “Thorin…” Bilbo consoled, holding up one hand to his face.

 “I don’t belong anywhere.” Thorin whispered.

 “You belong with those whom you love. You have Fili and Kili, and you have Dis. If you are with them, you belong somewhere.” Bilbo replied.

 “And what about you?” Thorin asked.

 Bilbo came up and kissed Thorin. It was long, and sweet, and sad.

 “A thousand dragons could not part us.” He whispered under his lips, and kissed him again.

 “ _Idùzhib_.” Thorin whispered.

Bilbo stroked his cheek and smiled.

 “Bilbo, I think the Chicken’s ready! It’s doing the thing with the toothpick!” Fili called out from the kitchen.

Bilbo sighed deeply and closed his eyes.

 “Just ignore them. They’ll stop bothering us eventually.” Thorin said.

Bilbo wanted to stay here and savour the moment. His and Thorin, finally together after months. It was not under optimal conditions, true, but he was here. Anything else was far away, over mountains and rivers.

 “Do you smell burning chicken?” Thorin asked.

 “I hope not.” Bilbo replied, getting up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idùzhib - diamond


	5. The Breakdown

The next few days were an adjustment period. The chicken that Kili had bought had been set up in a pen in the front garden, and had been named Derin. Eggs would be collected, but it was yet to be seen if she would show up on the dinner table.

Everyone got moved in to proper rooms. Dis had the guest room, and a second bed from the spare room was moved in to the back room, because Fili and Kili felt uncomfortable not sharing a bedroom. The contents of bags were all emptied out and organised and cupboards were filled. Bilbo was adamant on that chest for the weapons, though. All the while Bilbo was on edge, wondering exactly how long this was going to last. Would everyone need to get jobs to support the household? How would this really work out in the long run?

Bilbo received confirmation on the fifth night, or rather, Thorin did.

 “I have been legally banished from Erebor. It even has the official stamp, look.” Thorin said weakly, trying to make light of it. He was betrayed by his voice catching at the end. He pressed his face in to his arm, and then both palms in to his eyes. His frame began to shudder.

 “They…They can’t do this! I’m the king! _Ethane Ghunum Bulnd_!” Thorin roared. He started crying harder.

 “ _Khahay_!” Bilbo yelled out, and the boys and Dis came running in from outside where they had been feeding the ponies.

 “Dis…wine! Thorin, wine?”

He nodded.

 Dis rushed in to the kitchen, bringing back a glass of red wine. Thorin grabbed it from Dis’ hand and threw it back in one gulp.

He laid down on the couch, curled up like a child. This was so unlike him.

 “What is it? What was he screaming about?” Kili asked, intensely concerned.

 “ _Rasup shirumund_!” Thorin cried out.

 “It can’t be…” Fili whispered while picking up the letter. As he read, his face turned pale. He turned to Kili.

 “Banishment.” Fili said.

Dis closed her eyes and began to curse under her breath.

 “This is unnacceptable. We will find a way back. There is always-“

 “There already is, for you three.” Thorin choked out. He opened his eyes and propped himself up on an elbow.

 “The letter is for me specifically. You and the boys…you can go back. You can still make a life there.”

 “Like hell we are leaving you! Not like this!”

 “No…what I mean…you can send word when it is safe again. You can rally for my acceptance.” Thorin said, the plan forming as it passed out of his mouth.

 “I…I don’t know.” She said hesitantly.

 “Dis, please. If this is the last thing I ask you for, please do it!” Thorin pleaded, crying.

Dis was silent, and Thorin left the living room. There was silence as people filtered in to the house, trying to forget what just happened.

Bilbo held that letter for a long while, just staring at the letters, the fancy stock card that used to belong to Thorin. The glittery purple stamp on the bottom right corner that marked it as legally binding. Silver ink signed it from the Line Of Fundin.

It was nearly midnight when Bilbo stood up from that chair. This was another letter that had to be burned.

He walked hesitantly to the bedroom, stopping just before opening the door. Bilbo shook his head and opened the door, closing it just as soon behind him.

 “Thorin? Where are-“ Bilbo called out. His voice stopped dead in his throat as he rounded the corner in to the bathroom.

Thorin lay on the floor, nude, his face by the foot of the bathtub. A straight razor was in one hand, gold and silver with dwarfish designs etched on the blade.

Bilbo’s mind immediately asked - red? The answer came slowly - black and silver. Hair surrounded Thorin’s body, prickly tufts of it.

Bilbo kneeled and his hand reached out to Thorin’s shoulder. He flinched at the touch, but slowly came around to face Ben.

Thorin had always kept his beard short, no longer than three or so inches. It was gone now, and quite haphazardly it had been done away with. Cuts marked Thorins cheeks and neck, and a few were bleeding. It had not been on purpose, just mistaken hands.

Bilbo took a damp hand towel hanging from the sink and began blotting at the cuts. Bilbo expected wincing, but Thorin looked up at him, almost…judging. His face seemed to ask “How do you think you could ever help me now?”

They both remained silent, though. Bilbo put plasters over Thorin’s cuts - would these be scars as well? Bilbo knew by now that dwarf bodies scarred much more easily that any other. Thorin was covered in them - scratches and bites and cuts and so many other kinds of torment. How much could one endure before breaking apart like a cloud on a warm day?

Bilbo cleared out the hair in to a dustpan. Thorin didn’t move. He just watched Bilbo.

 “I’m going to bed.” Bilbo stated plainly. His eyes stayed on Thorin, wondering if he would stand.

He didn’t.

 “Okay. Goodnight. I love you.” Bilbo whispered with apprehension, not entirely sure if this was the right thing to do. He turned away to the bed.

For a long time, Bilbo lay, facing away from the bathroom, looking out the windows towards Hobbiton. It grew dark, and eventually there was no light in the room at all.

 It took a long time, but he eventually felt the heave of the mattress as Thorin lay down on the other side. Bilbo had thought he was positioned as far away from Bilbo as possible, but he was proven wrong when he heard Thorin’s voice, whispering very close to his ear.

 “ _Ekespu menu men o targu men_.”

A hand came around and laid on top of one of Bilbo’s own. Together, they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ethane Ghunum Bulnd - I am kind under the mountain
> 
> Khahay - family (clan)
> 
> Rasup shirumund - I am beardless
> 
> Ekespu menu men o targu men - you are more important to me than my beard (d'aww)


	6. The Departure

 “Here. Jams and preserves, ten jars. There’s a Tea Room in Bree called The Apple Bough. If you ask for the owner, she will buy these for a very high price.”

With those words, bilbo passed Fili the package wrapped in cloth, who nodded. He settled it gently in his saddlebag.

 “We’re going to miss you Uncle Bilbo. But who knows, you know? Maybe one day, you could come and live in Erebor with us.” Kili said, giving a crushing hug.

 “Maybe. No one can say what will happen yet.” Bilbo replied, his mouth forming a small smile. He put his hand on Kili’s shoulder and shook it affirmatively.

It had been a month since that night with the banishment letter.

Thorin slept a lot. When he was up, he sat in front of the fireplace and tended to the flames. Bilbo would cook simple meals and sit with him. They would eat together, slowly. They didn’t talk.

A month of silence.

No one even mentioned leaving or having plans about the future. Dis was the first to start packing up, and then Fili and Kili. Eventually, it was just a matter of notifying Bilbo that the three of them were leaving.

Bilbo accepted it. 

Dis approached Bilbo. She looked around once, peering out over Hobbiton on the foggy morning.

 “ _Men…menu denapdul_.” She stuttered, and then grasping Bilbo in a hug.

 “Keep him safe. Keep him healthy. He will be king again one day. He needs to be ready.” She whispered softly and quickly. She was lying.

She pulled away, and Bilbo saw that her eyes were the same shade of Navy that Thorin’s were. How had he never noticed that before?

 “He loves you, and that makes you family. Remember that.” She said before mounting her pony. Kili and Fili did the same, and with the last few words of goodbye, they were on their way.

Bilbo stood, going back in to the hole when he realised how cold it was. He stood at the sitting room window, watching the three ponies going down the long Hobbiton Road until they disappeared.

 “Where are Dis and the boys?”

Bilbo turned around to see Thorin standing at the kitchen doorway. He wore his nightshirt and wrinkled trousers. His face made Bilbo want to break. He looked lost. Alone. It almost pushed Bilbo to cry knowing that was the truth.

 “They left. They said they’d stay in Bree for two weeks…just in case. After that, they’re going back to Erebor.” Bilbo replied solemnly.

Thorin nodded.

 “Just in case. Okay.” He said, his voice dry and cracking. He went to the front door and opened it, a wave of cold air coming in. He stood there, his profile against the grey sky outside for just a moment of contemplation before he burst in to a flat out sprint.

Bilbo went out, making sure not to slip on the wet pavement. Thorin was already halfway down Bagshot Row, crying out for his family and for Erebor. He didn’t see the patch of mud, his foot crashing down in to it and skidding sideways. He fell forwards and crashed in to a picket fence.

Bilbo ran down, hearing the cries of agony. It was still too early for anyone to be awake. No one would come out to see this.

 “Let me go! _Rukhsul menu_! Let me go! Let me go home!” Thorin screamed out when Bilbo put his hand on Thorin’s shoulder, trying to help him up. With each cry, his words lost fury and grew absolute defeat. He knelt in the mud, his hand out in front of him, crying for Dis and Fili and Kili. Tears began to stream.

 “Thorin, come back inside.

 “Let me go home.” He commanded.

 “You’re bleeding.” Bilbo whispered.

 “I don’t care. Go fuck yourself.” His voice unemotional.

 “Thorin, let me help you.” Bilbo said.

Bilbo knelt down in front of him, their faces only centimetres apart.

 “Please.” Bilbo pleaded.

Thorin was silent. His face flickered. Sadness and mistrust and anger.

 “Why don’t they want me anymore, Bilbo? Why does everyone who loves me leave or die?” He asked, his voice as fragile.

 “Why does anyone, Thorin? Life is painful, and people leave us.”

 “Are you going to leave me?” Thorin asked slowly.

 “Me? No. Not if I can help it.” Bilbo replied, putting his shoulder under Thorin’s arm and helping him up with a grunt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> menu denapdul - you are honorable
> 
> Rukhsul menu - son of an orc


	7. The Structure Of Our Souls

 “This wound is deeper than I thought.” Bilbo muttered

 “I’m sorry.” Thorin replied.

Bilbo cleaned the would gently, trying not to make Thorin wince.

 “Why am I always cleaning blood off you?” Bilbo mused, smiling slightly.

 “Because I'm stupid and reckless.” Thorin replied.

 “That’s right.” Bilbo replied, and they both laughed. Bilbo realised it was the first time he had laughed in a month.

There was silence as Bilbo cleaned, trying to figure out how to treat the wound.

 “When did you know you loved me?” Thorin asked.

 “I think…when the Mirkwood elves took you all prisoner. I realised I cared about you more than all of the others. What about you?” Bilbo asked, layering medical cream over the cut.

 “It wasn’t immediate. It was in Laketown, when you were sick. I thought, “he’s so far from home, and he’s still fighting to help. When we were at the Kings Door, right when it opened…right up until that point, I was expecting you to run. I thought you were terrified. When you went in, I knew you meant something.”

 “I was terrified.”

 “So why did you go in?”

 “To be honest, I wasn’t going to. Even as we were walking up the side of that mountain, I had planned to not go in. But when the last light shone…everyone’s faces. Suddenly, that was when I realised…it mattered to me. It mattered that you all got your home back.”

 “And now…does it still matter?” Thorin asked.

 “You’re home, aren’t you?” Bilbo asked. He tied the bandage over the wound and looked up, smiling crookedly.

 “Am I home?” Thorin asked.

 “Home is where love is.”

Thorin leaned forwards and kissed Bilbo.

“I love you.” Thorin whispered.

The way he said it was so unlike how he normally spoke - when normality had been a solid foundation, not a day-to-day hope. It was unmonumental. There was no grandeur behind the words. They were a plain and simple truth.

Bilbo pulled back, and put his hand under Thorin’s tunic. Against his chest, he could feel the warm skin, coarse hair, and dull thud of the beating heart. He could feel the slight vibrations of it.

Suddenly, his eyes flitting between Thorin’s face and his bandaged wound, it made sense. Scars are not a measure like a sand clock, showing how little we have left before we break apart. They are a measure of how much we have endured, and how much more it will be possible to.

 “I love you too.” Bilbo whispered in reply.

Home was where love was. 

Yes, this was definitely home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
